Love Your Identity: Overcoming Manipulation

Love Your Identity in Christ

If you are trying to live up to an image of what it looks like to be a perfect parent, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. The only perfect parent is our Father in heaven. Although He was a perfect parent and He had provided a paradise for Adam and Eve to live in, they still chose to disobey Him. As a human race, we chose to rebel against our perfect Father.

Love your identity

Your children at some point or another will resist your leadership. They may be outwardly rebellious or inwardly resistant. As your children get older, if you try to control them or put a legalistic structure in place, it may backfire on you.

Overcoming Your Temptation to Manipulate

Watch this video where I tell my own story of crossing the line and manipulating my oldest daughter when she turned 18.

Become an Influencer Rather than a Manipulator

if you are presently dealing with a rebellious child, no matter if they are a toddler or a teenager, consider this course of action:

• Humble yourself.

• Seek Godly counsel and partnership.

• Become a learner and gain new parenting skills.

• Admit your imperfections and mistakes.

• Be firm, steadfast, and consistent.

• Put your trust in the goodness of God.

Become an influencer rather than a manipulator. Your consistent walk with God will influence your child for good.

When our children learn to walk with God personally and intimately, they no longer need to be controlled from the outside. As Christians, they have the capability and responsibility to control themselves. as they become adults, they have the choice to obey God’s Word in their own lives.

Become an Intercessor and Trust the Goodness of God

You will gain new confidence that God will help you as you learn to be an intercessor. The power of prayer encircles your child with the loving care of God the Father. Prayer changes each of us. Prayer softens your hardened heart and heals your wounded soul. Prayer connects you with the Life-Giver so that life flows to your child.

As you trust in the goodness of God, you will find your identity in Him. You will no longer need to manipulate or control others. You will be able to rest in His perfection, His protection, and His ability to transform even the most hardened of hearts.

Today, choose to trust the goodness of God. Your identity is not in having a perfect child or a perfect home. Your identity is in Christ alone.

Love Your identity

Sue Detweiler is a mother of six, author, speaker, and radio host with over 25 years of experience in leadership, ministry, and education. Her book 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom hit #1 on Amazon’s Hot New Releases for Christian Women’s Issues.


Help for the Overwhelmed Mom

Help for the Overwhelmed Mom

Every mom has been overwhelmed at some point in her life. For me it started soon after the birth of my first born daughter Rachel Joy. I share some of the tough things on this recent interview on Cornerstone Television Network:


If you feel pushed to your edge as a mom, be encouraged that you are not alone. Stay connected to the Life-Giver who will encourage you and strengthen you every day. Here are a few things to remember when you are feel stressed:

Be Kind to Yourself

If you are finding yourself in the middle of a pressure-cooker-life and feel like you are about to blow your lid, relieve some of the pressure by being kind to yourself.

What is it you enjoy doing? Do you like to take a bubble bath? Build it into your day. Do you like to read a book? Take it into your bathtub with you. Is there a mother’s day out that can take your children once or twice a week if you are a stay-at-home mom?

If you are a working mom, chances are you feel double-guilt and double-pressure. You feel pressured while at work because you aren’t with your children. You feel pressured at home when you are getting all your work done. One of the ways you can be kind to yourself is not to put yourself through the guilt trip. God will help you find life-giving strategies to pour into your children.

Build Purposeful Relationships with Moms

Take time to build loving relationships with other moms. After taping the interview at the Cornerstone Television Network, Anna Frye, one of the hosts of Real Life, invited me to share with a MOPS group where she serves as a mentoring mom. MOPS stands for “Mother’s of Preschoolers” and there are groups all over the nation. Moms have built loving relationships with other moms who have helped them in their journey.

Another ministry that is helping to build relationships between moms was founded by Stephanie Shott. The Mom’s Initiative is founded by mother’s on a mission to mentor other mothers. They have a desire to reach a million moms for Christ.

If you desire to be mentored or to mentor other moms, get connected through purposeful relationships. My book 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom is set up as a mentoring resource. Pray about using it to start of mom’s group in your church or neighborhood. Get your copy today and share it with a friend!

There is No Such Thing as a Perfect Mother

There is No Such Thing as a Perfect Mother by Tracie Miles

I thought since I hadn’t given life to my first unborn child, that when God did bless me with a child, I had to be the very best mother the universe had ever known.

No such thing as a perfect mother

You see, in 1986, I was a 19 year old pregnant, unmarried, college student, and obviously not making the best of choices. I was not walking with God, and one bad decision had led to another, eventually landing me in an abortion clinic. A decision that would haunt me for decades.

Years later, my husband and I held our first baby girl in our arms and I vividly remember, laying in the maternity ward holding Morgan ever so gently, peering into her blue eyes and breathing in the scent of her fragile adorableness. For the first time in fourteen years, I began thinking positive, hopeful thoughts….. Maybe God doesn’t despise me after all. Maybe He does see some good in me. Maybe He does love me and have a purpose for me. After all, if God would allow me to be a mom to something so tiny and precious, could He really hate me? Maybe I do have a purpose.

You see, in that quiet moment long ago, I had begun to question whose voice I had been listening to. I had been deceived by the enemy’s voice for fourteen years, all the while believing God could never love me. Believing the lies that I was unforgivable. That my slate in heaven was forever marred because of my mistakes. But now, the foundation these lies were built on had been shaken by the birth of this baby, and hope was beginning to break through my shattered heart.

Despite feeling God’s sweet whispers of grace and mercy, I still felt like I had a lot to make up for – hence the quest for the mother of the universe award. I was convinced I had to be the best mommy in the history of all mommies. I had to prove to myself, to God, to my family, and to this child, that I deserved her and that I could be the most perfect mom there ever was. In addition, I had to protect this child and it was my maternal duty to hover over her, even if that meant grandparents, aunts, uncles, and maybe even her daddy, would rarely get to hold her or take care of her.  No sir, this tiny little human was never leaving my sight, or my arms. Every waking moment had to be devoted to meeting every need of this baby, at all costs.

Can we say irrational? Obsessed? Over achieving? Selfish? Yes, I was all of those things, but my heart was in the right place. You see, I just wanted to be a good mom, the best mom, an incredible mom, and I wanted to make up for my mistakes by trying to be a perfect mom.

Needless to say, I set standards for myself I couldn’t possibly meet. Regardless of how great a mom I desired to be, I was still just a human.

Can you relate? Have you ever set such high standards for yourself that you set yourself up for disappointment? Have you ever tried to be the perfect mom, but eventually realized it wasn’t possible and felt like a failure? Have you ever tried so hard to be perfect, that you began to feel hopeless and worthless? Me too, friend. And it’s no fun.

I dare say all moms feel that way at times. We set our minds to being the most patient, loving, thoughtful, caring, kind, generous and selfless mother ever, but life and reality get in the way. Colicky babies, tantrum throwing toddlers, defiant third graders, disrespectful middle schoolers, hormonal teenagers, and self centered young adults eventually shake our quest for perfection to the core. No matter how hard we try, we can’t live up to the standards we set for ourselves – of being the perfect mom with perfect kids who rise up every day and call her blessed.

Whether our past includes abortion, or other poor decisions or experiences that shook our confidence, us moms just want to be the best moms we can be, strive for perfection and prevent our kids from ever making bad choices or feeling hurt. But only God has that kind of sovereignty. We are not perfect, nor will our kids be perfect, and trying to strive for perfection as a mom only brings discouragement and frustration.

How might this journey of motherhood be different if we stopped trying to be perfect, and started leaning on the One perfect parent? How might our hearts for God grow if we stop trying to meet expectations that He would never expect us to meet, and give ourselves some slack in this calling of motherhood?

All moms have made mistakes or endured hardships in life, but we don’t have to let our past become a stumbling block for our future. God has called us all to a divine purpose in this life, and sometimes the highest, most divine calling of all, is being a mom. Not a perfect mom, but a mom who loves the Lord and asks for grace when she stumbles, and strength when she’s weary. A mom who pushes past her lack of confidence and regrets from the past, and allows God to use those experiences to shape her into a faith role model for her kids. A mom who loves her kids enough to teach them to love Him too.

A mom who tries her best, while knowing she is only human, and remembering that she has a God who will help her get through each season of parenting, one imperfect day after another.

And one day, they just might rise up and call us blessed, and every prayer for grace will prove worth the wait.


Make a Comment Below to be entered into a drawing for a free book “Your Life Counts” by Tracie Miles

No such thing as a perfect mother

Your Life Still Counts

Tracie Miles Author of Your Life Still Counts


Tracie Miles is a member of the national speaker team with Proverbs 31 Ministries and enjoys speaking to women’s groups at keynote events and weekend retreats across the country. Her passion is to lead women closer to the heart of God, help them embrace their value and purpose in Him, and inspire them to live intentionally for Christ. For more information about Tracie, visit her blog at, and connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.


Make a Comment Below to be entered into a drawing for a free book “Your Life Counts” by Tracie Miles!

Being Your Best You

Being Your Best You

Every mom wants to be the best mom in the world for her child, but sometimes she feels like the worst. In the first 2 years of your child’s life you will lose on average 6 months of sleep! That will make anyone cranky! If you add to the mix a child that has colic in the early months, many moms feel pushed over the edge of exhaustion.

Being Your Best You

That’s how I was as a young mom. That is what has given me a heart to help moms of all ages. I want to help women embrace their God-given calling and purpose as moms.

How do you live a purpose-filled life, in the midst of your worst moments of being anxious, stressed, angry or sad?  At home, we tend to let our filters down. Our family get’s our worst, rather than our best.

I was interviewed recently on Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk by Ryan Dobson and Dr. Meg Meeker. We talk about stress-filled situations as a mom. Listen to our first interview.

Listen to Family Talk October 15 Broadcast Here 

Be your best you

What Are You Juggling As a Mom?

What ever you are juggling as a mom, you are not alone. You are not the only one dealing with being angry. You are not the only mom that is stressed and overwhelmed. You are not the only who struggles with situations beyond your control.

The key to walking out your God-given calling as a mom, is to go to God for strength, wisdom, and encouragement. Moms need encouragement. The best encourager is God Himself.

Here are a few practical strategies that I have lived out in my life to help me be on mission as a mom:

1. Make the Word a Priority

It is so easy to let the needs of our children lead our day.  After many days ending where I felt like a failure as a mom, I began to be desperate for the Word of God. I was desperate to read the Bible early in the morning, because I knew that without it I would not have the emotional strength and stamina I needed to parent well.

One morning when my daughter Angela was around 2 she woke up and asked for breakfast. I calmly responded, “Mommy needs her breakfast first.” I then went back to reading my Bible. Angela looked curiously confused since I didn’t have any food near me. Angela asked,”Does mommy eat the Bible for Breakfast?” I laughed and said, “YES!”

The joy to me about telling that story today, is that I know exactly what my 22 year old married daughter Angela did this morning. Although we now live in different states, I know that she got up and read the word of God, journaled and prayed. Angela now eats the Bible for breakfast too!

Here’s the second Interview I did with Family Talk Radio:

Listen to Family Talk October 16 Broadcast Here

Be Your Best You


2. Remember What God has Done

Another practical strategy of living a purpose-filled life when everything seems to be going wrong is to remember what God has done! We can get so stuck in a funk of negative thinking that we forget.

Any time you are overwhelmed with a difficult circumstance, look up! Stop looking at the problem, trying to figure it out in your own strength. Look up to God. Magnify Him in your perspective. Look to Him for help.

Take time to retrace those places when God showed up and helped you. Rather than thinking about the bad things that you are facing, stand and remember the good that God has done. Put your faith in His faithfulness.

Our kids failures and mistakes are not a reflection of our identity. In the same way, we can’t  take credit when they do well. Our identity is not in a well-behaved child. Our identity is in Christ, who laid down his life for us.  Remember what God has done!

3. Pray God’s Word Out Loud

Saying the Word out loud, will strengthen your heart and change you perspective. The transformational process occurs when we bring God’s word into the midst of our difficult situation.

Here is a Scripture that I have been meditating on and praying out loud since I was a little girl:

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in every situation, by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

What are your “go-to-Scriptures” as a mom. Do you have sticky notes on your mirror reminding you of God’s Word. It is His Word that endures for ever, not your problem.

4. Admit When You Have Made Mistakes

Be honest about your worst moments. You don’t fulfill your life-purpose by pretending you are perfect. By the way, your children already know you make mistakes. You might as well admit it, and ask for God’s grace to cover you.

A mom falls short of God’s plan for her life because she is human.

For everyone has sinned;

we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.

Romans 3:23 NLT

Only God in heaven is perfect. Your role as a Life-Giving Mom is to lead your children to their perfect Father in heaven. He is the One who will understand them. He is the One who is always there when they need Him. He never fails them.

5. Be Your Best You – With God’s Help!

You will love your purpose in life, when you breath in the precious Holy Spirit every day. You are unique in all the world. You are free to be you. Just like we shouldn’t parent our children to please others. You don’t have to live your life to please others.

Live your life freely before God. It’s His standard that rules your life, not other people’s opinions. You are the one who will stand before God as His child. Aren’t you glad, that when you meet God, He won’t be frowning at you. He won’t be squinting to try to remember your name. He won’t be short-tempered with you. He loves you. He is a Life-Giving Father.

God is for you. You love your purpose when you live for God!



Being your best you Sue Detweiler is a mother of 6, an author, speaker, and radio host with over 25 years of experience in leadership, ministry and education. When 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom was launched it hit #1 on Amazon’s Hot New Releases for Christian Women’s Issues. Sue loves to connect on her blog as well as on twitter and facebook.




Get your copy of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom


Safe Empowered Child

Safe Empowered Child

Have you struggled to know how to help your child be safe in the harsh realities of the world today? When my children were small, I took time to talk with them about the potential dangers of sexual abuse, child pornography, kidnapping.  I struggled to know how to put into words my concerns without scaring them.

safe empowered child

How to Fix Your Marriage

How to fix your marriage

How to Fix Your Marriage

If you have been married for any length of time, you know that you can’t “fix your marriage” only God can. You have probably learned by now that you can’t change your spouse. You can’t control what they think or what they choose to do. You have probably been hurt in some way by your spouse. Likely there are cycles and circles and patterns in both of your lives that are unhealthy to your marriage.

You may have even experienced some similar pain as described in this video with Jeff & Cheryl Scruggs:

 4 Things You can do to Move Forward

When you are wondering how to fix your marriage, you may have been functioning on the fumes of past affection. Your emotional love tank may be empty. In fact your love tank may have a hole in it.

1. Forgive

When you choose to forgive, you more than just put a patch on the hole in your love tank.  You choose to have a fresh start – a new beginning.

You will not be able to just forget the things that have been done. You won’t be able to fix the cycles of sin in your spouses’ life. However, you can allow the Holy Spirit to convict you of your own sin.

When you feel hurt by your spouse. You undoubtedly feel that you have a right to hold on to that grievance until you spouse changes.  Ask yourself – Does my UNFORGIVENESS help my spouse to change? Of course not.

Bitterness will blind you to your own part in the brokenness in your relationship. The sad thing is that I have been bitter about relatively small things in marriage. What a waste of time.

When I watch the testimony of Jeff & Cheryl Scruggs, I know that God is able to help us forgive our spouses of grievous sin. However, the reconciliation in their marriage required BOTH partners to repent of their sin and be reconciled. Both Cheryl and Jeff needed to repent and it was only the miracle of the Holy Spirit that brought them back together again.

2. Trust

One of the hardest things in marriage is trusting your spouse after they have sinned.  When trust has been broken it must be regained through accountable living.

For many marriages our trust is misplaced. Our primary trust must be in God.  His love is unshakeable. His care is everlasting.

When Jeff was served divorce papers, Cheryl was completely closed to any type of reconciliation. She had emotionally divorced him many years before. The adulterous affair sealed the fate of a broken marriage.

For both Jeff and Cheryl, their trust needed to be in God the reconciler. They couldn’t fix the marriage in their own strength.

3. Hope

When you have been deeply wounded by a broken relationship, you can become hopeless. When hopelessness settles in, everything in life seems tasteless. Before you know it, you are in a FUNK F-lounding U-nder N-egative K-nowledge.

Whenever you lose hope, you aren’t anchoring your HOPE in God. I know so many that have become divorced. It wasn’t their idea. It wasn’t what they wanted. You can lift up your hands and shake your fists at God or blame Him in your heart.

God’s isn’t your enemy. He can be your best friend. Now matter how terrible situation is, there is always HOPE. You hope is not in the success of your relationship. Your HOPE needs to be anchored in the person of Jesus Christ.

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials,

for we know that they help us develop endurance.

And endurance develops strength of character,

and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.

And this hope will not lead to disappointment.

For we know how dearly God loves us,

because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”

Romans 5:3-5 NLT


4. Love

Our everlasting source of love is God. His resources of love never fail. God is love (1 John 4:8).

If you feel like your love tank is empty, and your husband or wife has not filled it with kind words, acts of service, gifts, touch, or time together, you can still have a constant flow of love into your tank. Let the distance you feel with your spouse draw you closer to God.

Listen for God’s words, “You are beautiful… you captivate Me… You are strong… you are handsome… You are valuable… I care about you… I will never leave you nor forsake you… I am the best friend you will ever have… Come to Me my beloved.”

If you forgive, trust, hope and love you will move forward in your intimate relationship with God…

When you grow closer to God, He gives tools to grow closer to your spouse. Only He can help you repair your relationship with your spouse. But even if your marriage comes to an end, your relationship with God is eternal.  No one can steal HIS love from you.

I would love to hear your comments on this blog

If you would like to find out more information of marriage coaching that Wayne and I, you can fill out the form below and we will be in touch with you. You are in our prayers. Remember, nothing compares to God’s embrace.

How to fix your marriage

Wayne and Sue are parents of 6 children. They have over 25 years experience in marriage and ministry. Sue’s book 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom hit #1 on Amazon’s hot new releases for Christian women’s issues. Together they are writing a book called 9 Traits of an Intimate Marriage. 

Why I wrote This Book

WHY i wrote this book

Why I Wrote This Book

Destiny requires bold leaps of faith. I have been asked why I wrote 9 Traits of a Life-Giving MomI didn’t go through the months of writing this book with tears streaming down my face because I am a perfect mom. There are no perfect moms. There are no perfect families.

Every mom that I know wants to be the best mom in the world for her child. But sometimes she feels like the worst. God has given imperfect women the awesome opportunity to nurture the lives of other human beings. But sometimes we feel overwhelmed. Often we fall short.

why i wrote this book I wrote 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom because I had to. I had this burden to help moms be real in their brokenness.  I wanted to create a safe place for moms of all ages to find healing and wholeness. I wanted to help mom’s embrace their God-given calling to be a Life-Giving Mom by connecting to The Ultimate Life-Giver – GOD!

My friend Teasi Cannon wrote this in her review of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom

“One of the most encouraging things to my heart is simply knowing I’m not alone…not alone in my pain, not alone in my failures, and not alone in my journey.”


The Difficult Yet Life-Giving Journey

I have had the heart to write this book for 20 years. Around 7 years ago, after walking, talking and praying with my friend Pam Vredevelt I realized that writing for me was a God-given calling and a moral imperative. I didn’t want to face God at the end and hear Him say “Well, done servant…. But why didn’t you write the books that I called you to write…?”

I know God’s grace covers not only our mistakes but the things we leave undone. I also know His call. I had an undeniable burden to help others through writing books.

Finally in 2012, I took a bold step of faith. My husband and I had been at one church for 17 years. For most of those years we were associate pastors. In July, 2012 I officially stepped off of the pastoral team that I dearly loved. I laid down a ministry assignment where I had been effectively used by God.

I knew that it was God calling me… At the time, I didn’t know that He would later call us to relocate out of Nashville where we had served the city in ministry for 28 years. I didn’t know that He would call us to plant a church from SCRATCH in Texas! I didn’t know that He would call us to a why i wrote this book city where we didn’t know anyone. I didn’t know He would call us to leave our beautiful adult daughters in Tennessee, and plow the tough ground of beginning a new church.

All I knew at the time, was that He had called me to write.

I share these details with tears streaming down my face, because for me… writing this book has come at a great cost.

I have labored in prayer… I have labored in time… I have labored in study… I have labored in transparency… I have labored in repentance… I have laid it all on the line because I knew that God was calling.

So I responded, “Here am I. Send Me.” (Isaiah 6:8).

Why I wrote This Book:

1. To Obey God

I feel God’s pleasure as I have made room in my life to write. I have finally obeyed. Now I hear Him saying, “Write a book every year.” So, I have already begun writing my next book. The words are flowing out of me. I can hardly wait to get it to readers. There is a whole series of “9 Traits” books that are being birthed in my belly right now. Obeying God releases life destiny.

2. To Be Transformed

I am no longer the same woman. I have been changed and transformed through the writing process. It has given me a context to look back, search God’s Word, pray, and look forward.  I have gone through deep layers of repentance in my own life and heart. I have found God’s GRACE in a brand new life-giving, life-restoring way. His GRACE empowers me to live out my life-destiny with strength, wisdom, power, clarity and boldness.

3. To Help Moms

I love moms. I love trendy moms. I love soccer moms. I love stay-at-home moms. I love working-moms. I love single-moms. I love moms-of-special-needs-children. I love moms.

9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom has built a platform for me to come along side moms in the journey to be Life-Giving to their children.

My friend Amy Carroll  writes about 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom in this way:

“For a woman who struggles against my own perfectionism, Sue’s book comes as a breath of fresh air. It allows me to openly confess my own flaws while embracing the God-given power to overcome them. Her statement, “Go ahead and believe that He can take your worst and replace it with His best,” makes me exhale with hope…”

Share 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom with Others

In bookstores across the United States, 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom has arrived. Go to your bookstore. Thank them for carrying it. Buy a copy and give it to a friend (even if that friend is you).

Or if you like the quick and easy way of getting your book NOW. You can order it here.

What is God Calling You To Do?

Destiny requires bold leaps of faith. Are you willing to make the changes in your life that are necessary in order to obey God’s call? What life-destiny is He call you to boldly embrace? What area of brokenness is he transforming in your life? What “test” are you going through that will become your “testimony.”  I would love to hear from you. Please take time to write a comment. I read and respond to all of them.

Be encouraged in your Life-Giving Journey Today! Get a Copy of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom Today!


Why I wrote this book


Sue Detweiler is a mother of 6, an author, speaker, and radio host with over 25 years of experience in leadership, ministry and education. When 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom was launched it hit #1 on Amazon’s Hot New Releases for Christian Women’s Issues. Sue loves to connect on her blog as well as on twitter and facebook.