The Secret to Better Sex in Marriage

The Secret to Better Sex in Marriage

How can we have better sex in a Christian marriage

During a premarital seminar we attended, I remember a man saying, “In the beginning, we weren’t very good at making love.” However, he also encouraged, “You get better at it.”

That man was right.

As my husband and I grew together and got to know each other physically, as well as emotionally and spiritually, we came to understand that every life-giving marriage is connected to the ultimate Life-Giver—the One who made sexual intimacy in marriage to be a holy experience.

And as part of that growth, we’ve also discovered a powerful truth that has brought incredible healing and given us a more passionate marriage that we never thought possible.

Our Path Towards Better Sex

In 1990, our house caught fire with my newborn daughter and me inside. Trapped by smoke and flames, I was unable to get to my baby in her crib. Thankfully, my husband came home in time. He and a fireman rescued both of us from the fire. (You can read more about this event in 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom).

Our marriage went from low-grade stress to over-the-top stress level. Not only were we fighting with our insurance company to pay for the damages of our home, we fought with each other every day.

Our newborn daughter developed colic, screaming inconsolably for hours at a time. Emotionally numb, we struggled to survive each day as we stumbled through our pastoral duties. Our own need for healing, individually and as a couple, made us less effective in our ministry.

Our sex life shifted from difficult to nonexistent. As a new mother with milk-engorged breasts and an overweight body, I felt more like a feeding station than a vibrant, sensual young woman. Pregnancy and childbirth brought changes in my hormones and left painful, physical reminders that made the thought of sex completely unappealing.

The stress from fire pushed our relationship over the edge. Both Wayne and I knew we needed help if our marriage was going to work.

We approached our ministry supervisor, who pointed us to a prayer-counseling ministry that included a weekend-long session. With our ten-month-old baby who was still nursing, we traveled eight hours to the event, prayerful that God would show us a solution.

Throughout the weekend, pastoral leaders shared from the heart. They were honest and candid about their own brokenness and shared how they found healing. In addition to group sessions where we heard testimonies of renewed relationships, Wayne and I received individual ministry. We met with pastoral counselors with whom we shared painful experiences in our lives.

During that time of counseling and confession, we each uncovered how events from our past darkened the lens through which we viewed sex.

Being honest with each other and with God allowed His light to shine into our relationship and mend our broken places. As a result, our sexual intimacy went from being the coldest part of our relationship to being hot and steamy.

Adding to our newfound physical intimacy was a spiritual unity like we had never experienced in our lives. Wayne initiated a time of prayer early in the mornings before he went to his secondary job. Very often, we made love after that time of prayer together before he left for his early morning shift.

The spiritual fulfillment of prayer flowed into an emotional connectedness, which lit the fire of physical intimacy.

We couldn’t get enough of each other. We were truly changed. Wayne read Christian books about sexual intimacy and grew in his knowledge as a lover. He selflessly brought me so much pleasure that sex became my favorite pastime. Through subsequent pregnancies and recovery, we kept making love, continuing to nurture our emotional, spiritual, and physical relationship.

Because we understand the need for all three strands of the spiritual, emotional, and sexual aspects of marriage to be strongly entwined, we’ve since coached and encouraged many couples through marriage ministry. We were passionate to help and compassionate about the pain. And we know that God can heal and renew relationships in exciting and beautiful ways. 

Turning Around Your Sex Life

Whatever negative, or even life-destroying, habits you or your spouse has become entangled in, there is hope for a turn-around toward a more passionate marriage. If you are dealing with sexual disfunction, imbalanced hormones, recovering from an affair or any other type of challenge, make a choice today to believe that God can heal your sex life.

Fight for Better Sex in your Marriage. Don’t just give up and think “I guess this is as good as it gets.” Be understanding and sensitive with the ups-and-downs of married life sex, but don’t become apathetic or indifferent to this important part of your relationship. 

The beginning place of greater intimacy in our marriage starts with our relationship with God.

Don’t let past sin block your relationship with God or with your spouse.

When King David turned his heart back toward God after his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba, these are the words he wrote:

Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. 

Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. 

Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. 

For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night. 

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight…. 

Psalm 51:1-4 (NLT)

The turnaround for David began with his relationship with God. In his desperation, he trusted that God was the One who could purify his heart. He trusted God to give him back his joy. He trusted God to restore his life.

Read his heartfelt prayer aloud:

Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 

Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me, 

now let me rejoice. Don’t keep looking at my sins. 

Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. 

Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, 

and make me willing to obey you. 

Psalm 51:7-12 (NLT)

Here’s Where Better Sex in a Christian Marriage Starts 

If you want to experience a more passionate marriage with your spouse, first focus on restoring passion in your heart for God. 

sex christian marriage

God is the One who has made you. You will find the fullness of joy in Him. Restoration of passion is a daily choice to walk freely with God. Right now, make your focus be on your personal relationship with the Lover of your soul.

Intimacy Flourishes in an Environment of Love and Respect

“Intimacy flourishes in an environment of love and respect; it shrinks in a power struggle. Intimacy so values what the other spouse brings to the marriage that each partner is willing to yield. 

Intimacy—A connection that includes, but goes far deeper than, sex, intimacy knits marriages together. To strengthen your bond, it’s important to recognize and honor each other’s differences and be intentional about meeting your spouse’s needs.

Just in Time for Valentine’s Day!

Better sex in Christian Marriage

Register today!

February 20 2016

Wayne & Sue Detweiler (Speakers and Hosts) With over 25 years of marriage and ministry experience, Sue & Wayne will motivate you to build a strong and intimate marriage. You will be strengthen by their biblical encouragement and then led through Marriage Exercises to help you revitalize your marriage. Your investment will help your marriage last a life time.

Included in registration cost is the book “9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage” and materials for each couple.

9:00 am Registration & Give Aways on Saturday

9:30 am – 5:30 pm Saturday (Sessions & Exercises)

Special Musical Guest/Worship Leader – Lance List 

Register Today!

better sex

Let’s discuss Chapter 5 of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage #MarriageRocks

Read Chapter 5 of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage. Reflect and journal the following questions. If you signed up, you will receive a free download today in email that you can use.

  1. Which of the Top 5 Needs of a Man and woman (page 49) best describes your needs and the season you are in?
  1. It’s so important to speak our spouse’s language of love. Identify yours and share one way you will communicate it this week.
  1. It takes two to be intimate. What barriers are you facing to growing intimacy in your marriage?

We will see you back here next week to discuss Chapters 6 and 7.

Invite Your Friends:

There’s still time to also invite your friends to join you for this Study:

Join the FREE online #MarriageRocks study: http://suedetweiler.com/bookstudy

Sign up here.

Honesty in Marriage needs to be Anchored by Self-control

Honesty in Marriage Requires Self-Control

You and I have the ammunition to blow up our marriage every day. Not only do you know your spouses weaknesses, you know what triggers their own vulnerabilities. You can either build up your spouse or you can tear them to shreds.

honesty in marriage

Honesty is key to every relationship. It’s important that you and I are transparent and real with our spouse. However, it is equally important for honesty in marriage to be anchored by self-control.

In your own relationship, when you or your spouse feels flooded by emotion, one of the best things you can do is say, “Let’s stop for now and talk about this later.” Simply being aware of the physiology of your body during an argument will help you maintain self- control with your words and actions.

Self-control is God’s work in our lives. It isn’t something we, as Christians, have to muster up in our own will. Self-control is a fruit that grows when we invite the Holy Spirit in to direct our lives and heed His instruction. If you think you have to do life all on your own, you may get discouraged. But when you and I realize that we have God within us to guide us in a godly response to conflict, we can listen for and lean into His strength. Prayer is an important part of leaning into God’s strength.”

Speaking of self-control, watch this video encouragement (and confession).

Honesty—People who feel they can’t express themselves honestly to their spouse often travel down a dangerous road to find someone who listens and understands. This chapter will help you set the ground rules that open the lines of communication between you and your mate. 

Let’s discuss Chapter 4 (Honesty) #MarriageRocks

Read Chapter 4 of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage. Reflect and journal the following questions. If you signed up, you will receive a free download today in email that you can use.

  1. Here are 4 helpful things to remember when setting ground rules for honesty in marriage: watch your words, listen attentively, speak honestly, keep a positive perspective. Which do you find the hardest to do?

 

  1. Do you remember a time when a “tiny spark set a great forest of fire” in your marriage? (James 3:5)

 

  1. What are some verses you can pray to help you to really listen and give your spouse your full attention?

 

We will see you back here on Wednesday to discuss Chapter 5.

Invite Your Friends:

There’s still time to also invite your friends to join you for this Study:

Join the FREE online #MarriageRocks study: http://suedetweiler.com/bookstudy

Just in Time for Valentine’s Day

Click Here to Register

 

  Better sex in Christian Marriage

February 20 2016

Wayne & Sue Detweiler (Speakers and Hosts) With over 25 years of marriage and ministry experience, Sue & Wayne will motivate you to build a strong and intimate marriage. You will be strengthen by their biblical encouragement and then led through Marriage Exercises to help you revitalize your marriage. Your investment will help your marriage last a life time.

Included in registration cost is the book “9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage” and materials for each couple.

9:00 am Registration & Give Aways on Saturday

9:30 am – 5:30 pm Saturday (Sessions & Exercises)

Special Musical Guest/Worship Leader – Lance List 


Do you feel emotionally safe in your marriage?

Are you emotionally Safe in Your Marriage?

An emotionally safe marriage is one that allows you the freedom to be who you really are. You can trust that your spouse will love you no matter what. You feel unconditional acceptance. You feel safe to share the most valuable part of you—your heart. In an emotionally safe relationship, you are confident your spouse will not crush your hopes, dreams, or deepest desires. And you feel confident that what you share will remain private.

Emotionally safe in Marriage

If you do not feel emotionally safe in your marriage, you may be experiencing deep pain and turmoil in your heart. You (and your spouse) may feel

  • Judged
  • Disrespected
  • Misunderstood or rejected
  • Alone
  • Mistrusted or mistrusting
  • Insecure
  • Uncomfortable
  • Emotionally shut down

Emotional walls often feel like physical barriers that cut off feelings of happiness and security. Learn to recognize the above warning signs and heal the wounds caused by an emotionally unsafe marriage.

Trait #3 (Safety) - 9 Traits of a Life Giving Marriage by Sue Detweiler

Week 2 – 9 Traits Marriage Study (Safety)

Let’s discuss Chapter 3 of #MarriageRocks:

Read Chapter 3 of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage. Reflect and journal the following questions. If you signed up, you will receive a free download today in email that you can use.

  1. Is there an emotional brick wall dividing your marriage?

 

  1. Personalize these verses for your spouse:

_________ has been created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

_________ is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

_________ is not only your most treasured gift from God, but one of God’s treasured possessions (Exodus 19:5).

 

  1. What are some ways you can get reconnected with your spouse this week?

 

We hope you will join us tomorrow night at 9:00 p.m. CST for our LIVE Facebook group chat. And we will see you back here next week to discuss Chapter 4 on Monday and Chapter 5 on Wednesday.

Invite Your Friends:

There’s still time to also invite your friends to join you for this Study:

Join the FREE online #MarriageRocks study: http://suedetweiler.com/bookstudy

Just in Time for Valentine’s Day!

Strengthen your marriage by setting aside time to be together. This intimate conference will help you build on a deeper foundation of friendship. You will be encouraged as well as empowered through time together as a couple. Sign up today!

friendship in marriage

Sign up for The Marriage Bridge Retreat Today! 

Friendship is the Wind in Our Sails

friendship in Marriage

Friendship is the Wind in Our Sails

Marriage thrives on friendship. The joy of sailing through life together. Yet most couples are not prepared for the reality that although 80% of the time you will have “smooth-sailing” — 20% of the time you will experience “rough seas.”  Watch this short video.

Friendship brings life to our marriages. When friendship falters, the relationship is at risk. Maybe you are at a great place in your marriage and are experiencing the positive emotional connectedness of being one with your spouse. If so, great! Keep investing in your friendship.

Alternatively, you may be secretly crying into your pillow, feeling as if your needs are unmet. You could be withdrawing to your workplace and flirting with the secretary who admires your leader- ship. You could be wondering if it’s possible to regain the passion you once felt in your marriage.

Friendship is the wind in the sail of your marriage. Whatever the current state of your relationship, invest the time in strengthening your friendship.  Make your marriage a rich, life-giving adventure.

Reinforcing the foundation of friendship can help you grow together, rather than apart, and keep your marriage stable and fun.

Friendship in Marriage

I remember a time when I wanted to change my husband (see chapter 2 of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage).Can you relate to that? Have you tried to change your spouse?

Last week, we learned about Acceptance. This week, remember, your spouse was created in the image of God. God fashioned and design your spouse with His purpose in mind. Since you do not have the power to change your spouse, you will need to learn to trust God and realize that it is not your role to act like the Holy Spirit in his/her life.

Now that we’ve relieved the pressure of needing to “fix” your spouse, let’s focus on the fun we can have in our marriages.

“Make time for friendship. Go out and have fun. Leave the kids with a sitter. Focus on your marriage. Focus on building your friendship, rather than proving your point.”

Trait #2 (Friendship) - 9 Traits of a Life Giving Marriage by Sue Detweiler

Week 2 – 9 Traits Marriage Study (Friendship)

Let’s discuss Chapter 2 of #MarriageRocks:

Read Chapter 2 of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage. Reflect and journal the following questions. If you signed up, you will receive a free download today in email that you can use.

  1. What were some of your favorite things to do when you were first forming a relationship with your spouse?

 

  1. Is there one “Horsemen” negative style of behavior that might be holding you back from building Friendship in your marriage (Criticism; Contempt; Defensiveness; or Stonewalling)?

 

  1. What are some ways you can commit to this week to restore Friendship in your marriage?

 

We’ll see you back here on Wednesday to discuss Chapter 3. Have a great day!

Invite Your Friends:

There’s still time to also invite your friends to join the book study. Sign up for the #MarriageRocks Study here

Join the FREE online #MarriageRocks study: http://suedetweiler.com/bookstudy

Just in Time for Valentine’s Day!

Strengthen your marriage by setting aside time to be together. This intimate conference will help you build on a deeper foundation of friendship. You will be encouraged as well as empowered through time together as a couple. Sign up today!

friendship in marriage

Sign up for The Marriage Bridge Retreat Today! 


The Power of Acceptance in Marriage #MarriageRocks

The power of acceptance in marriage

The Power of Acceptance Can Transform Your Marriage

Wisdom from God brings peace and assurance to your heart. To hear His voice, you must be willing to submit to Him and surrender to His leading. His voice will be confirmed by the good fruit produced by the Word. When you surrender to wisdom from above that is impartial and sincere, you are able to act with both humility and boldness. His wisdom is so pure and full of mercy that, sometimes, it surprises us. That’s how I felt when God spoke to my heart that day in 1993 when I was face down before God crying out for my marriage. In the quiet aftermath of my tears, I heard the gentleness of God’s whisper deep in my heart.

“Open your eyes. I want to show you how I have made your husband. You expect him to be like you. I fashioned you while you were in your mother’s womb to be a visionary leader. I fashioned Wayne differently…”

As I listened, I remembered how Wayne’s great love for God and his gentleness had drawn me to him. Yet somehow, I had begun to discount this attribute and the way God had made Wayne.

We sometimes forget that “gentleness” is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:26). When David wrote Psalm 18, He praised God for His gentleness.

Listen to my husband’s Wayne’s heart on how it changed our marriage.

 

We All Want to Be Accepted for Who We are

Everyone of us knows how it feels to be accepted for who we are and how God has made us to be. That doesn’t mean we accept sin or cover-up bondage. When we accept people for who they are, they stop trying to self-protect and the love of God is able to free them them from sin and bondage.

Listen to this encouragement that I give for acceptance in marriage:

Stir up Your Love and Appreciate Your Spouse

Embrace the counter-balance of your spouse in your life. Take time to think about what first attracted you to your spouse. Stir up your love and appreciation for your spouse. Engage in the life-giving pursuit of God and He will cause new life to flow through you to your spouse.

Week 1 – 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage Study (Acceptance)

Acceptance: “Acknowledging the fact that God made you and your spouse differently empowers you to honor each other’s unique roles and characteristics. Remember, despite your differences, you both bear the Creator’s likeness.” ~ Sue Detweiler

God’s voice differs from our own. However, when we so badly want our own way, it can be dangerously easy to mistake our thoughts and emotions for God’s wisdom. So how do you know the difference? How do you know if God is really speaking to your heart?

The answer: God’s voice is always consistent with His Word.

One guiding Scripture on gaining His wisdom comes from James 3:18:

And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. (NLT)

We’d love for you to journal along in our study. If you signed up, you will receive a free download today in email that you can use. You will also receive an invite to join us tomorrow night in our private Facebook group to chat LIVE about this week’s study.

Let’s discuss Chapter 1 of #MarriageRocks:

  1. What are some other verses you can find on gaining God’s wisdom in your marriage?
  1. Acceptance is a conscious choice to receive your spouse as God made him or her. Have you struggled with accepting your spouse?
  1. What are some of your spouse’s God-given strengths? How can you honor them?

We hope you will join us tomorrow night at 9:00 p.m. CST for our LIVE Facebook group chat. And we will see you back here next week to discuss Chapter 2 on Monday and Chapter 3 on Wednesday.

Invite Your Friends:

There’s still time to also invite your friends to join you for this Study:

Join the FREE online #MarriageRocks study: http://suedetweiler.com/bookstudy

How to Rock Your Marriage in 2016

Rock Your Marriage in 2016

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want our marriage to be dry, old, and boring. I want our marriage to rock-and-roll with health, vigor and vitality. I want our marriage to be adventurous and fun. I want our marriage to have the sizzle of great sex and the passion of being fully alive, and the comfort and closeness of being at home with my best friend.

Life-Giving Marriage

It’s Time to Do a Marriage-Check up

Is your marriage the strongest it’s ever been?  Or has your marriage become a bit flabby and out of shape? Are you communicating clearly with love and respect, or is there an undercurrent of grumbling and complaining?

Are you chasing each other around the bedroom with love, laughter and passion flowing freely, or does there seem to be something needed to spice up your love life. Take time to focus on the 9 traits of a life-giving marriage that will help you strengthen and deepen your marriage.

Week 1 – 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage Study Introduction

Today’s the day! We’re kicking off our online study of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage.  If you haven’t signed up already, you can do that here.

Kim Stewart, and along with Jana Kennedy-Spicer, will be hosting Sue’s study over the next 5 weeks. We’ll be here on the blog on Mondays and Wednesdays. In addition, we’ll be facilitating daily discussion and a Live Weekly Chat in our private study Facebook group on Thursday evenings at 9:00 p.m. CST. You can head over to the Facebook group right now and see my welcome video (You need to sign up first – you can do that here).

This week, we are reading the Introduction and Chapter 1.

Let these opening words encourage you:

God is with you. With His help, you can improve your relationship with your spouse by being transformed into the person God created you to be. You are not alone in your desire to trade a boring or painful marriage into one that is full of joy, passion, and love; God wants all that and more for your relationship!

If your relationship is good, honing the nine traits of a life-giving marriage can make it even better. And if it’s not, please know that, with God, there is hope for a happier life together, when you develop the traits that reflect His likeness and character.”

Transform your marriage with #MarriageRocks by Sue Detweiler. Join us for the FREE online study at http://suedetweiler.com/bookstudy.

We’d love for you to journal along in our study. If you signed up, you will receive a free download today in email that you can use. You will also receive an invite to join us Thursday night in our private Facebook group to chat LIVE about this week’s study.

Let’s discuss the Introduction of #MarriageRocks:

  1. Here are the 9 Life-Giving Traits to live out in our marriages: Acceptance. Friendship. Safety. Honesty. Intimacy. Passion. Endurance. Restoration. Expectancy. Which one(s) do you most want to focus on?
  1. Let’s invite Jesus into the intimate issues of our hearts and marriages by personalizing God’s Word in John 15:4-5:

Remain in me, __________ and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you, __________, cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. “Yes, I am the vine; you __________ are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you, __________ can do nothing. (NLT)

  1. In the Introduction, I talked about meeting my husband, Wayne. What’s one word you would use to describe the “zing of attraction” when you first met your spouse?

We’ll see you back here on Wednesday to discuss Chapter 1. Have a great day!

Invite Your Friends:

There’s still time to also invite your friends to join you for this Study:

Join the FREE online #MarriageRocks study: http://suedetweiler.com/bookstudy


Laughter and Marriage

laughter and marriage

Laughter and Marriage

As we get ready for the Christmas Holidays, let’s prepare our hearts and homes for laughter. It is so good to laugh. Here are a few ways that laughter can improve your health.

1. Reduces Stress Hormones

2. Strengthens Immune System

3. Lowers Blood Sugar Levels

4. Improves Digestion

5. Speeds up Blood Circulation

These health benefits of laughter shouldn’t surprise us, since the Bible says,

 “A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing, But a broken spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22 AMP”

Laughter is Good Medicine in Marriage

Laughter in marriage is good medicine. As we learn to laugh and not take our selves so seriously we can learn to enjoy marriage. As a married couple we deal with so many difficult, serious things in life, it’s good to just take time to laugh at ourselves.

In honor of getting ready for the Christmas Holiday, I thought you would enjoy a comedian’s take on marriage.

Marriage and Underwear

I love laughing at the differences in men and women. Have you ever noticed that women will communicate with questions? (I guess I just illustrated my point). Men are more likely to communicate by making a statement. We could either get frustrated at each other, or we could just laugh and embrace the difference. 

Here’s another fun video on marriage:

Happy Wife Happy Life

I love the way a comedian like Jeff Allen can make us laugh at ourselves. In marriage we deal with each other’s insecurities every day. Laughter helps us not take each other too seriously. 

How to Build a Marriage That Lasts

I want to personally invite you to invest in your marriage, Join Our 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage Online Book Study

You are invited to join a 5-week Online Book & Bible Study of my 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage book.
The study dates are January 11 – February 12, 2016. My friends Jana and Kim at Sweet to the Soul Ministries will host the daily study here on my blog and in a private Facebook group.
The only thing you need to fully participate is a copy of 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage
Sign up to join the study.

Click Here to Sign Up